Can you sleep train without any crying?

21st Sept 2023

It's safe to say that no parent wants to hear their baby cry. 

The sound of your baby’s tears can set your heart racing and anxiety levels soaring.  So why do so many tired parents out there embark upon sleep training when it can create these feelings in us?  

 

Because sleep is a fundamental human need.  For babies and parents alike.

 

When making changes to a baby’s sleep habits, for whatever reason that may be, it can sometimes bring about tears.  It’s their only way of communicating with us - and usually if you’re changing something they’re used to, they’ll have something to say about it.  BUT there are many ways to make improvements - not all of which involve tears or even any form of sleep training at all.  It very much depends on the individual circumstances! 

 

One thing that does appear to be shrouded in mystery is HOW you can get a baby to self settle WITHOUT tears.  There are a large number of sleep consultants who will offer “No Sleep Training” or "Zero tears" approaches to sleep.  And this is the topic i want to address right now.

 

Sleep Coach Type 1:

Firstly; as I said above, sometimes you can achieve improvements in sleep without any form of sleep training.  But the key word here is IMPROVEMENTS.  If you're after unbroken sleep and lengthy naps in the cot you're normally looking at sleep training to teach your baby to self settle.  So it depends what your end goal is.  And this is where Sleep Coach Type 1 comes in.  We’re talking schedule tweaks, improved routines and environment.  If a baby needs to self settle in order to reduce night wakings and short naps, this is where this camp of sleep coaches will draw the line - as their view is that this is natural and normal and something parents will need to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate.  This view is not mine.

 

Sleep Coach Type 2:

Next, there are sleep coaches who will go a step further and help you to support your child towards independent sleep, using very slow, gradual methods.  But they will say that they don't sleep train.  In my view they do.  If you're moving your baby towards self settling, however you get them there, that's sleep training.  And what’s more, in my view this slow gradual approach doesn’t necessarily offer the best option for many babies and their families.  And here’s why:  Hands-on approaches, if your baby is overstimulated and upset by your presence, will cause more tears overall.  I don’t believe that this is gentle compared to giving your little one some space in a responsive and supportive way. Yes there will likely still be tears, but LESS tears than the frustration you will cause by using a method that doesn’t suit the needs of your baby.

 

Sleep Coach Type 3: 

I feel it’s important at this point to touch upon the other end of the spectrum when it comes to sleep coaches / consultants.  There are those who really just have one method that they offer; usually controlled crying.  Now, just as i mentioned above, where some babies prefer a bit of space, others are more calmed by your presence.  So controlled crying is NOT for EVERY child.  ESPECIALLY once they’re heading towards toddler / preschooler age and above. In those instances it’s a hard NO from me.

 

So what’s my own stance here?

 

Im Sleep Coach Type 4!!

I hold the view that quality sleep is essential.  Babies need it. We all need it.  If your current approach with your baby’s sleep is causing you both to be sleep deprived, something needs to change.  And the tools by which you make those changes should seek the smoothest path to better sleep for both YOU and YOUR BABY.  Whether that means using a slow gradual process or a shorter but tearful one.  All have their place in the sleep world in the right circumstance - and the right circumstance usually boils down to age and personality of your baby.

 

If you’re still a little hung up on the idea of crying let’s take a closer look at the No-Tears approach:

 

When it comes to teaching independent sleep WITHOUT tears, my experience is that there are certain conditions that MUST be met. 

 

Introducing the “No Tears Trinity”:

 

 

- COMMITMENT:  'No tears' methods take TIME, PATIENCE and CONSISTENCY!  If you don't have the drive to keep going over weeks and months, you're unlikely to see results.

 

- YOUR BABY:  Personality, age and how unsettled they are currently. If you have an independent little one who's already crying in your arms, is furious when you try to make changes to how you settle them and having very broken sleep, you're unlikely to achieve a no-tears result.

 

- APPROACH: You've got to go SLOW!  It takes the SMALLEST little changes in GRADUAL steps!  Essentially if your baby notices the change, they're likely to cry; this is why it takes a LONG time. 

 

What this all boils down to is that IF YOU ARE A TIRED PARENT, who’s DESPERATE to sleep, and you have a baby who is UNSETTLED when you’re assisting them or when you're trying to make changes, a “tear free” approach is NOT for you.  In fact, its not even possible.

 

So, i would suggest that rather than trying to seek out a “no tears” approach to sleep, seek out the MOST EFFECTIVE and COMPASSIONATE solution to your child’s sleep issues.  This is what the right sleep coach should do for you.  Ask yourself; what is it that YOUR BABY really needs and are you able to put the work in to get them there?

 

Does any of this resonate with you? Do you have questions or thoughts?  Drop me an email at Caroline@thesleepremedy.co.uk - i'd love to hear from you!

 

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