Confession of a ‘gentle’ sleep coach
1st May 2024
When i first started out as a sleep coach i entered the industry having been trained that self settling isn’t always needed to achieve good quality sleep. Moreover, if it WAS found to be needed in a particular case, i was told ANY type of sleep method (slow or fast) would work perfectly if followed consistently.
Sounds reasonable right? BUT here’s the mistake i made. I didn’t know that in reality the slower, ‘gentler’ approaches to self settling just DON’T WORK for 99% of babies under 12months. The missing link i hadn’t been taught is that self settling REALLY MATTERS and the method you use REALLY depends upon how OLD your baby is.
Don’t get me wrong; if you’re just looking to move away from one sleep association like feeding to sleep, towards something more sustainable like rocking, you can definitely achieve that with a slow gentle method. But in my experience most people aren’t paying me for a shift in sleep associations. They’re paying me to help their baby sleep longer overnight. And believe me, if there’s a sleep association there, teaching self settling (AKA sleep training) IS NEEDED in order to improve your nights.
As much as i’d LOVE to say to parents that there are great tear-free approaches to help your baby learn to self settle, the reality is that for babies under a year old, its really rare to achieve this without tears. And because there are always tears involved, i believe its far better to offer a quick method than a long drawn out ‘gentle’ approach. If you're working with toddlers and children, this view totally flips on its head and actually tear-free approaches are FAR MORE POSSIBLE. Buts thats a story for another blog!
Unpopular opinion: ‘Gentle’ approaches for babies actually are more for the parent’s benefit than for the baby. Your baby really needs an effective way of helping them sleep better - one that minimises tears overall; not one that causes more tears for a longer duration.
And the problem is, of course, that parents are told it's "gentler" to take this lengthy approach. When in reality, thats just a marketing gimic. There's no such thing as 'gentle' when it comes to making changes that your baby isnt keen on. BUT there is such thing as RESPONSIVE. And sleep training can absolutely be responsive whilst still giving your baby the space they need to work things out for themselves.
My poor first few clients who wanted slow and gentle approaches really did suffer with lots of unnecessary upset and very little improvement for their efforts. I was so confused about what was going wrong until it became too much of a pattern to be coincidence. And I felt TERRIBLE.
It still haunts me. I came into this industry to help, not to mislead or hinder progress. And now i’m more experienced and have an extra OCN L6 sleep course under my belt to improve upon my knowledge, i will NEVER make these same mistakes again. I now refuse to offer slow methods for under 12 month olds unless i truly believe the case in question calls for it.
Why tell you all this?
Well, because I want to be honest about my own journey in this business and to demonstrate that I’ve used my mistakes and discoveries to improve upon the way in which i can support YOU. I know you want to make changes to your baby’s sleep without upsetting them. But with your baby’s interest at heart, i want to tell you honestly that tears are not harmful. Its OK for your baby to feel all the feelings! If they're loved, safe and have you as their secure base, there is no harm done by you changing your baby's sleep habits.
If you’re not on board with my views here, i totally understand. Sleep training isn’t for everyone, nor would i expect it to be. Its about choice, right? And absolutely no-one should feel they HAVE to do anything. But if you DO want less broken nights and your baby is currently seeking your help to settle to sleep, i really would encourage you not to rule out sleep training for fear of tears or for causing harm.
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