What is the right sleep approach?

01 Jan 2023

ITS A NEW YEAR!

A time for resolutions; fresh starts, healthy eating and fitness; all the usual suspects!  But what about sleep? 

Often we as parents just muscle on with poor sleep, taking it as a given that it’s just “part of parenthood”. But is that really true? Do we really have to live with weeks/months/years of sleep deprivation as the price we pay for creating miniature versions of ourselves?

The idea of using a Sleep Consultant can really split opinion out there in the parenting community. 

In an unregulated industry it only takes a few to dish out ill-informed advice and all sleep consultants and coaches can be branded with the same brush.  Many parents I speak to are fearful that I will expect them to leave their child to Cry it Out and that sleep training is the only answer.  On the contrary, any Sleep Coach worth their salt knows that there are a multitude of areas to consider when addressing a child’s sleep situation and teaching sleep is something that should be considered as just one part of the sleep-puzzle… and only then if that is right for the family dynamic and for the infant. 

With the backlash on Sleep Consultancy, momentum is also gathering towards the other extreme; normalising disrupted infant sleep and encouraging parents to do whatever it takes to placate their infants overnight.  I have no issue with normalising what infant sleep looks like; it is full of broken nights, and it is hugely difficult to navigate a path that leads to more peaceful nights.  I also wholly encourage parents to do what works for their family; if that means safely co-sleeping, great!  If it means feeding to sleep - go for it!  I do also believe though, that it can be harmful for a parent to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to be a slave to feeding or rocking their baby to sleep every time they wake. For not wanting to sit for two hours with their toddler waiting for them to fall asleep.  There is also the important fact that infants need age-appropriate sleep overnight too!  I do not subscribe to the view that a parent or child should suffer months or years of sleep deprivation, especially when changes to sleep habits can resolve things.

As a sleep coach I always look for the gentlest approach paired with what I believe will work best for the temperament of the child, coupled with parenting style. I want to find a plan that a family can feel really good about.  I would also add that some tears can be inevitable when working on sleep, even with the gentlest of approaches.

This doesn't mean that I will ask you to leave your child to cry it out; I never would. 

I do feel, though, that it is important to show your child that you are there for them if they cry:  Crying is normal and it is important that we do not try to stifle our child’s tears.  We need to give our children space to cry and feel supported in their emotions.  In the context of sleep, there are definitely slow and steady methods that truly can be tear free if the temperament of the child allows - its something I would always discuss as an option with my clients.  But it is also key not to fear crying. 

It is the parental response to the crying rather than the crying itself that is really critical.

The main message that I hope you take away from this month’s blog is to find a path with sleep that feels good for you and your little one - regardless of what other opinions are out there.  If an approach to sleep doesn’t feel right to you, whatever that may be, don’t let it make you feel guilt or shame for wanting something different. It’s ok to want to keep your child close and help them to sleep if it gives you both the restful nights you need. It’s also ok to want more structure and to want your child to sleep independently without your help. My advice; dial out the noise about what you should or shouldn’t do and go with your gut - including whatever I have just said in this blog if you don’t agree with me!

Ultimately, if you or your baby are suffering from poor quality sleep, that’s when I would suggest you need to make a change. And hey; it’s January so it’s the perfect time to make that resolution;

Let’s work on improving sleep in 2023. It might just be the best resolution you’ve ever made!

Where do you stand on the crying debate when it comes to sleep? Email me at caroline@thesleepremedy.co.uk - I'd love to hear your thoughts - all views are welcome, judgement free!