Why is self settling such a big deal?

2nd April 2024

Before i get stuck into the self settling debate, i want to talk to you about your baby's sleep needs.  Getting your baby to sleep at the right time may feel like a dark art, but it can actually really help with them settling happily and getting the sleep they need overall for a decent duration.  

Finding the right ‘wake windows’ for your baby can be really tricky because there’s so much conflicting info out there.  That’s because actually wake windows aren’t based in science.  There’s no real evidence - just averages based on experience and opinion.  What IS real, is that a baby has their OWN UNIQUE wake windows that will roughly fall in line with those averages but can be different.

So how do you find out what your own baby’s personal wake windows are?  You’ve got to experiment a little bit and watch how they respond.  And this is the problem when you use those online wake window charts as your starting point.  I see A LOT of those charts suggesting wake windows far too short and nap lengths far too long for most of the babies in those age ranges.

In my own experience, a lot of parents fear overtiredness but actually, i see more issues as a result of undertiredness than the other way round. In fact, i actually prefer to talk in terms of Sleep Pressure rather than over or under tiredness because ultimately its getting the balance of sleep pressure right (sleep drive, tiredness, sleepiness) that should be the focus and not the fear of over or under tiredness.

BUT WAIT: before you run off and start messing with your baby's sleep timings; there’s a catch and its where the importance of self settling comes in…

If your baby can’t self settle it really muddies the waters when trying to work out their sleep needs; because if they need your help to sleep they’ll wake after every sleep cycle needing that same help.  So we can’t use things like short naps, broken nights, or bedtime battles to reliably tell us if its a timing issue.  Also, and actually more importantly, I find that parents have difficulty knowing whether their baby is teething, or ill, or in any general discomfort because all of those frequent wakings could also be all of those things!  Once your baby can self settle its SO much easier to spot when something is 'off' for your baby.  And it allows you to respond to those needs much more easily.

So yes; when i have my initial chat with a familiy about their baby’s sleep, i’m always interested in whether their baby can self settle.  Every sleep challenge is different and not all follow the same path to a resolution, but in most cases the true magic begins once they can self settle.  It allows you to hand over to them the access to a very important biological function that really should be theirs to own.  Plus it clears the way for us to read and understand their other needs - which will put you all on the path to beautiful unbroken sleep!

Now there’s plenty of parents out there who don’t want to sleep train.  I totally support that choice - sleep training is NEVER something you should feel you HAVE to do if you don't want to.  However, if you want those multiple night wakings to stop, you’ve got to make a change.  Its not a matter or right or wrong.  Its a matter of change effects change.

And by the way, although it seems to invite controversy these days, evidence not only shows that sleep training causes no harm, it has been found to actually increase parent/child attachment, reduce maternal depression and improve health and wellbeing for the entire family. I believe it can be an absolute life line for families who need it.  And that’s something i’m proud to help families with.

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